– Lewis Pope
Most famously used by independent U.S. Presidential candidate, Ross Perot in the 1992 election’s second debate, the “giant sucking sound” was that of American jobs flowing inexorably to Mexico. Perhaps on a broader level, your average law student might find such a point of view sympathetic, given that job prospects with one’s law degree look rather meager. There is probably less empathy with the assignment of blame to Mexico, though I don’t mean to presume.
Why on earth is this relevant, you ask? Well, dear reader, it is my solemn duty to unmask the treacherous dealings of one Michael Kirby, during his tenure on the High Court. Famous for dissenting opinions and cult following, it is troubling how myopic such legal scholars can be. It seems clear, to the enlightened, that the nominal similarity between the celebrity judge, and the pink, round Nintendo character Kirby goes far deeper.
That debate took place on 15 October, 1992. Adjusting for time difference, this puts us on the good side of Australia at the early afternoon of 16 October. At this very time, our learned Kirby P (at that time the President of the NSW Court of Criminal Appeal) was handing down his dissent (of course) in the now extremely historic R v Astill [No 2]. In his judgment, Kirby argued that the trial judge had not given adequate explicit consideration to the “special circumstances” referred to in the Sentencing Act 1989 (NSW).
When justifying the use of executive authority to grant protective status to illegal immigrants in the U.S., Obama justified this as an established usage under “special circumstances”. Well there you have it. We were right all along. Kirby isn’t Australian. He isn’t even human. He’s a Mexican Nintendo hero. I think deep down we all knew.
A final nail in this coffin is to explore is the connection between Kirby and Perot. Now, there is the obvious connection insofar as Perot entered the race as a ruiner. He just ruined all over what could have been a beautiful second term for George Bush Sr. You might even say he… dissented (ish? I dunno; I said that you might say it, not that I would).
But I know what plagues your mind – the Giant Sucking Sound: how is it relevant? Well, my dearest reader, it seems self evident, doesn’t it? The Nintendo character Kirby was renowned for being able to suck other heroes into his belly and absorb their very essence. That is how Kirby masqueraded among us for so long: he must have consumed millions, if not trillions of human beings. We’ve been had, my friends. But it is not for us to judge: ours is just to watch, wait, and bend our knee to our pink, spherical overlord.