By Lauren Skinner
Law school is never quite as vicious as in those first few moments tutorial sign-ups open. Within mere milliseconds, all the good tutes are taken, and you are left feeling hollow, defeated and hungover as all hell as you drag yourself to your Friday 9am tutorial. Even worse is missing tutorial sign-ups. I once missed tutorial sign-ups. I almost dropped out of law school then and there; it didn’t feel worth going on. But alas I did, reluctantly turning up to the law school at 7pm every Thursday evening to sit in silence as our poor tutor attempted to spike our interest in the intricacies of Australian Public Law. Many students came straight from happy hour at the bar (anybody here still remember the glory days of $13 jugs at ANU Bar, may it rest in peace?). It was dismal. If you too are feeling victimised by the brutality of tute sign-ups, follow these handy hints and the perfect tute time will be yours in no time.
1. Get (over)committed
If there’s one thing law students like more than snails in a bottle, it’s overcommitment. Once you are working in a law firm, maintaining your Executive position on three on-campus societies, completing an internship, taking seven courses, volunteering in the community, playing a sport and maintaining your hospo job on the weekend, your convener will have no choice not to accommodate you: ‘But sir, I absolutely cannot make any time other than 11pm on a Tuesday evening.’
2. Begin finger exercises and invest in several alarm clocks
It’s the first click that counts. Get the alarm clocks (yes, plural) ready and get those fingers warm. I recommend a training schedule commencing approximately six weeks prior to the commencement of each semester. Start working those fingers so you can grab that tutorial spot before anyone else has even scrolled down the page. Remember that you’re aiming for speed and dexterity, so your routine must include an even balance of cardio and strengthening, with stretching exercises every night before bed.
3. Acquire an IT degree and join Wattle support
Once in this position of power, you can artfully orchestrate a Wattle ‘crash’, the moment tutorial sign-ups open. It happens so often that no one will question it (RIP my Comm Con tute). Manage to ‘fix’ this absurd glitch in the system a couple of hours later, at a random time when every other student has given up. Take your desired tutorial and then post on Facebook to alert other students. Then sit back, relax, and revel in watching the others fight it out.
4. Spread rumours
Nothing gets students out of tutorials faster than rumours. Try: ‘I heard X tutor selects students from the roll and asks them to recite case facts from supplementary readings.’ Alternatively, ‘I’ve heard X has never given anything higher than a pass.’ Another option is the vague but effective, ‘oh you’re not going in their tute are you?’ Works a treat.
Destroying puffer jackets may prove the perfect diversion.
5. Create a diversion
Rumours aren’t working? A diversion might. Daley Road is a great place to start, and a fire alarm will often do the trick. If you can’t corral enough friends into hitting all the colleges at once, just go for Burgmann and assume most of the people in your law class are there. They will be sufficiently distracted by the blaring alarm and saving their favourite puffer vest from the impending blaze, leaving the most desirable tutorials open for you.
6. Drop law
Honestly, even the class sign-up is difficult, let alone the exams. Why are you here? Do you even want to be a lawyer? You really just came here because you got a 95 ATAR and didn’t know what else to do. So just give up now. Go to Europe. Get cultured. Sail Croatia. Screw tutorials.
So there it is folks. You can get your dream tutorial through deceit, lies and possible crimes. Or just drop law now. Let’s face it, none of us are getting jobs anyway.